Questions re: Coming Out Later in Life

To whom it may concern

I’ve been told I am part of a trend of women coming out later in life after being in heterosexual marriages. I would like to opt out of this because I’ve known I’m queer for over 20 years. I also don’t like trends. Or joining groups. To whom should I address my email?

Apparently there is a name for women who come out later in life and that is “Late in Life Lesbian.” I don’t want to be called that. I am queer because queer fits better. Sometimes I’m gay. How do I file a complaint with HR?

I believe I might qualify for the “Lesbian Card” and I have some questions:

• May I get punches in the Lesbian Card for having a mullet in the 80s, even though I identify as gay or queer but not necessarily “lesbian”?

• Is there something besides motorcycles, skateboards, or roller derby that I might get a punch for, as these are all a no-go for me? Could once owning a Subaru be substituted?

• Is it only one punch for wearing Birkenstocks, or a punch for each pair I’ve owned?

My children barely bat an eye when I came out to them. I did not anticipate them saying congratulations, telling me I’m brave, and that they love me, so I would like to request a refund on the hundreds of dollars I spent beforehand talking about it in therapy.

Is there an award I can nominate my ex-husband for because when he heard my girlfriend and I had broken up he called to see if I’m okay? If there’s a cash prize involved am I entitled to half?

Can I just “talk through” a problem with a girlfriend or do I have to call it “processing”? And is there a penalty for forgetting this terminology?

Although only a newly out member of the LGBTQI+ community, how much outrage and indignation am I allowed to express about members in our community who are not inclusive or welcoming of trans people? Same question re: bisexuals. 

Is it required to become friends with ex-girlfriends or just strongly encouraged?

When scanning dating sites for women over 55 looking for other women over 55 is there a way to keep track of the Linda, Lisa, Liz, Karen, Kimberly, and Jennifers? Please advise.

Is it necessary for me to post Goodreads reviews of all the queer books I’ve read over my lifetime to balance out the fact that I don’t golf, play softball, or pickleball?

As I no longer have the concern that I’ll wear something that makes me “look too gay,” is there a time limit within which I need to figure out my wardrobe? Are there grants or subsidies for women who have nothing to wear because they’re not very butch but find themselves divesting of clothing that feels too femme?

Will I get kicked out of the club for thinking that a vagina doesn’t deserve a gold star merely because it’s never been touched by a penis? My vagina would like some stars for giving birth to three children.

I would like to convert my many years of service as a great LGBTQI+ Ally towards being a member of the LGBTQI+ Community. Please send me the correct form.

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Switching it up this week with something light and (hopefully) amusing, for your entertainment. I can’t really say these are all jokes for me though. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which ones.

For the record, I’m happy to call myself a “lesbian,” although I’m still trying to say it without “air quotes,” actual or implied. I also know that I’ve leaned into some stereotypes here. I hope I haven’t offended anyone because I love you all and I needed to make myself laugh. It is with great joy that I see how diverse we queer women are in the way we present ourselves in the world. I wish that would have been more true when I was young. And yes, you can make a donation to my wardrobe fund!

I should have looked around when I was in the closet. My shoes were trying to tell me something..